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August 25, 2009

Mourning a Baby

I wasn't going to write this. I thought it too raw, too personal, too painful to put out into the blogosphere...but it was actually my prince who said I should blog about it. We have both received so much support from friends (twitter & non-twits alike), family and co-workers. They volunteered personal stories about 1st miscarriages, multiple miscarriages and ectopic pregnancies. About good pregnancies gone bad. About losing babies late in pregnancy. About the ultrasounds that showed a perfect baby except for a heartbeat. About spontaneous blood flow or no blood at all. About surgery and depression.

When I wrote this and then that - I just couldn't type the painful weight of it all...

Instead, on the day I found out, I put a pen to paper and wrote this (and then put it in a drawer until today)...and I'll tell you before you read it - we have a great support system, Thing 1 and Thing 2 get us up in the morning and move us all day long, we are healing...

As best said by Shrek "...better out than in"...this is what I wrote the day I found out...

Tell the wind to stop blowing
Tell the dogs to stop barking
my baby is dead

Tell the construction workers to stop building
And the cars to stop going places
my baby is not viable

Tell the world to stop rotating
And time to stop passing
there has been a fetal demise

Don't they understand?
The Gods, The Fates, The People Moving,
It is dead inside of me
I'm a walking coffin.

And I want the bells to stop ringing
Clocks to stop ticking
Waves to stop rolling

Just 'till I regain my breath
And re find my spirit
After losing a part of myself.

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13 Comments:

At August 25, 2009 at 12:19 PM , Blogger Loukia said...

My gosh... I'm so sorry. I don't know what else to say, other than I'm sorry for your terrible loss. That was beautifully written, by the way.

 
At August 25, 2009 at 3:47 PM , Anonymous Your cousin said...

BEAUTIFUL and hopefully very healing for you :)

 
At August 25, 2009 at 6:12 PM , Blogger Lisa said...

Goosebumps and tears. That's what I have right now. Hugs to you. XO

 
At August 25, 2009 at 6:44 PM , Blogger daysgoby said...

That was incredibly written.

I am so, so sorry that happened.

 
At August 25, 2009 at 6:55 PM , Blogger bernthis said...

please please send this in somewhere to be published. Beautiful. Stumbling it b/c many should read this

 
At August 25, 2009 at 7:21 PM , Anonymous sharon said...

That broke my heart into a million little pieces reading that and yet I know it's no where near what you experienced. You have my friendship and support. xo

 
At August 25, 2009 at 7:28 PM , Blogger amotherworld said...

Heartbreaking ~ I'm sure it was difficult to share so thank you.

 
At August 26, 2009 at 5:55 PM , OpenID cabadov said...

Wow, it must have been hard to press 'submit' on that post. I can't even begin to understand what you were feeling. I'm so glad you received support during this moment. I can see how it would be easy to shut everyone out and close down. I'm only a click away.

 
At August 26, 2009 at 10:41 PM , Blogger Alanna said...

I had no idea that you had experienced such pain...what you wrote that day was exactly the way I felt when I found out, but was not able to articulate. No words will comfort you but please know that I'm thinking about you and yours. If you need to expand your support system, I'm here.

 
At August 27, 2009 at 9:14 AM , Anonymous Bargainista said...

Sorry you've been through this. Hopefully the fact you're sharing your pain means you're starting to feel better. Unless you've been through it, people have trouble understanding the loss of an unborn or newborn baby and how there is still a mourning process.

I didn't know I was pregnant until I learned I miscarried at four weeks and it was hard. I can't imagine your pain.

Take care of yourself.

 
At August 27, 2009 at 9:20 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've seen your pain and tried to relieve you form it. It will take time but you will eventually heal.
You can count on us
Thing1, Thing2 and prince!

 
At August 27, 2009 at 12:07 PM , Anonymous Racheal said...

I can't even imagine what this must have been and must be for you, but know my heart aches and we're all sending love your way.

 
At October 9, 2009 at 1:40 AM , Blogger Scribbit said...

I am so sorry for all the pain you experienced. I don't think you can really understand what it was like unless you've been there yourself, can you?

 

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