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August 25, 2009

Mourning a Baby

I wasn't going to write this. I thought it too raw, too personal, too painful to put out into the blogosphere...but it was actually my prince who said I should blog about it. We have both received so much support from friends (twitter & non-twits alike), family and co-workers. They volunteered personal stories about 1st miscarriages, multiple miscarriages and ectopic pregnancies. About good pregnancies gone bad. About losing babies late in pregnancy. About the ultrasounds that showed a perfect baby except for a heartbeat. About spontaneous blood flow or no blood at all. About surgery and depression.

When I wrote this and then that - I just couldn't type the painful weight of it all...

Instead, on the day I found out, I put a pen to paper and wrote this (and then put it in a drawer until today)...and I'll tell you before you read it - we have a great support system, Thing 1 and Thing 2 get us up in the morning and move us all day long, we are healing...

As best said by Shrek "...better out than in"...this is what I wrote the day I found out...

Tell the wind to stop blowing
Tell the dogs to stop barking
my baby is dead

Tell the construction workers to stop building
And the cars to stop going places
my baby is not viable

Tell the world to stop rotating
And time to stop passing
there has been a fetal demise

Don't they understand?
The Gods, The Fates, The People Moving,
It is dead inside of me
I'm a walking coffin.

And I want the bells to stop ringing
Clocks to stop ticking
Waves to stop rolling

Just 'till I regain my breath
And re find my spirit
After losing a part of myself.

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posted by Parent Club @ Tuesday, August 25, 2009   13 Comments