Funny Mummy | The Real Babysitting 101 Course

 Like many 12 year olds, my daughter recently completed her “Babysitting Course”, which in theory will enable her to venture forth into the world of watching other people’s children with insight, knowledge, and experience. However, after having reviewed the course materials and grilling her on the information that was shared, I do believe that as a mother of four I should share some vital facts which seem to have been left out of the course content.

Changing a diaper on a teddy bear, life sized baby doll or stuffed Elmo is nothing like changing the diaper on a real life, pooping baby. In order to replicate this activity without borrowing an actual baby, you could practice by stuffing an angry octopus into a small plastic bag. About 14 times. For one change. And if you think the squid ink is bad, well…

Most children do not like going to bed. Most babysitting jobs span the exact timeline of getting children into bed. This is not an accident by the employing parents. They may have in fact secured your babysitting services entirely to avoid putting their own children to bed, for one night. A refusal to go to bed by the child, coupled with the 114th reading of GoodNight Moon will wear down even the most patient of parents. They’ve decided it’s your turn. Good luck. Wear protection.

Parents will tell you that as long as the kids are safe, happy, and healthy (and put to bed on time, as per the last point), they aren’t fussed if you make a mess doing arts and crafts, feeding the kids, or playing games/building forts. This is a lie. We all hate coming home to a messy house and if you need to leave Junior in front of the television or video game for half an hour before we get home, it’s fine with most of us if it means all the couch cushions are back in their rightful spots.

Parents who tell you outright that they try to limit their children to only half an hour of television per night are most likely to be the ones who let their kids watch television non-stop all week and are trying to lower their child’s average hours of viewing for that week, all in one night, courtesy of you. Good luck with that. Start building that fort.

Use the “Well I’m just going to call your Mother and ask her” threats wisely. Kids catch on to this really quickly (just like the fake calls to Santa and the Easter Bunny). Practicing a fake one-way conversation with fake angry Mom is good practice for any babysitter. Do some role play with your friends.

It’s not always a bad thing if the parents don’t have the money to pay you on the spot when they get home. Most of us feel so guilty that we made you wait for your money that we top up even more the next day when we drop it off. And never say “It’s too much.” We know what the real cost is of watching our own kids. It’s not too much. Reading GoodNight Moon one more time? Now that’s “too much”.

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Read Funny Mummy every month and follow Kathy on Twitter at www.twitter.com/kathybuckworth Visit http://www.kathybuckworth.com/

Funny Mummy | Now THAT’S Educational TV

Now THAT’S Educational TV
Sherwood Schwartz, best known as the creator of The Brady Bunch and Gilligan’s Island, passed away this month, much to my own and to many of my “raised on 70’s TV” counterparts’ dismay. With so much emphasis today on what is educational TV, and what is potentially harmful for our kids to watch, it’s fun to think back to the days when TV was fun and silly and we didn’t worry about what we were learning or not learning. Of course there were messages that we received from both of these shows that are truly hard to comprehend today as an adult, but luckily our unhelmeted heads back in those days didn’t question; we just enjoyed.

Some of the puzzling thoughts I now have as an adult include what kind of a salary Mike Brady was making to support six kids, a dog, a housekeeper and a stay at home wife. Was he even a good architect? He supposedly designed their own house, which not only had an exterior that didn’t match the interior, but which also had a totally inadequate number of bedrooms and bathrooms for nine people. And the backyard was only eight Brady-filled Racing Potato Sacks’ wide. And while the entire premise of Gilligan’s Island is ridiculous, some facets of it were even more crazy than others. Why were millionaires, and a movie star for that matter, on a three hour commercial boat tour? The tour only accommodated five passengers? How were they making any money? I guess they weren’t spending any on radar weather reports. Who travels with that much luggage for a three hour tour? Also, did Ginger and Maryanne not use any feminine hygiene products? Why didn’t the Professor’s white shirt ever get dirty? And if he was so flipping smart why couldn’t he get them off the Island? Even the Harlem Globetrotters found their way off…so far as I know. (Actually has anyone seen them lately?)

I love shows that suspend my (dis)belief; it’s the shows that seem all too real that I find hard to watch. Teen Moms and Jersey Shore folks; Beverley Hills Housewives and Bachelors being paid to look for love…they’re all pretty disturbing. While it’s well-known that reality shows are partially scripted, overdramatized and heavily edited, it’s the pretence that the actions these folks are taking are real which drives out any enjoyment from watching them. Is it better that they’re only the way they are because of the editing and scripting, or are they really like that? What’s worse?

Check out Twitter on any night and you’ll see people tweeting “I can’t stand to watch Kate and her eight kids anymore. Who else is watching?” or “This episode of Hoarders is disgusting – you should tune in!” And, if you can’t watch it live, you must PVR it so you have no excuses not to partake in the horror. Since when did watching television become such a chore? My friends and I all knew and loved shows like the Brady Bunch and Gilligan’s Island because it was the only thing we could all watch at the same time. I used to race home after school to relax and laugh along with the canned giggles on these shows (plus a healthy dose of Partridge Family, Get Smart and the Addams Family) and I like to think that my Mom was having a coffee klatch or a quick gin fizz with her friends in the next room, not worrying if the show Teen Mom was giving her own teens the wrong idea. Maybe if we just added a laugh track to the dialogue of Snookie and Blake we’d all find our love of the silly once again. Or maybe I’ll just have to write my own show called The Buckworth Bunch. But only if I get an Alice, too.

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Read Funny Mummy every month. Visit Kathy Buckworth at http://www.kathybuckworth.com/ and follow her on Twitter at www.twitter.com/kathybuckworth Kathy’s latest book, “Shut Up and Eat: Tales of Chicken, Children and Chardonnay” can be found at bookstores and online, everywhere.

Zombie Moms: Not Just For Newborns | Kathy Buckworth

The huge on-line success of the book “Go the F**k to Sleep” is due mainly to one thing: Every single parent in the world has uttered these words, either in their inside or outside voice. From the string of sleepless nights a newborn delivers the minute they come home from the hospital, through scary school age nightmares about The Grinch, to the awakening sounds of a teenage boy banging around the kitchen in search of a midnight snack. Sleep is one of the few challenges parents face with their children from start to finish, and that we all can relate to not having enough of. However, as with many facets of raising children, sleep deprivation is one where you always think you’re going through a tougher time than anyone before, or after you.

While the recent Twitter hashtag #ZombieMoms includes membership from Moms with children of all ages, it does skew towards the newborn side. Their challenges don’t always inspire thoughts of empathy.

“You think it’s tough having a newborn? At least they don’t go anywhere – I’m up all night worrying about my teenager driving around, and then when she gets home she makes so much noise it wakes me up all over again.”

Complaining about the lack of sleep (a badge of honour for parents) is a bit of a curious phenomenon. Back in the good ol’ days (before we had kids), most of us wore our lack of sleep status with pride.

“I was out clubbing til 4:00am, had a power nap, a quick shower, and here I am back at work. Wicked, man.”

I suppose there are some similarities with that type of sleep deprivation and the type that comes from having a newborn; your eyes are red, your body’s aching, and you might be dealing with vomit which isn’t always your own. The main difference though is the lack of control that you have over your own sleep patterns, once Baby makes his entrance. When they’re infants, we instinctively rise to their occasion every time they can’t sleep. We read the baby books that alternate between telling us to comfort them instantly, and just letting them scream it out. Unfortunately Baby isn’t usually up to speed on which book we’re reading or which strategy we’re trying, so it doesn’t always work.

As the kids get older, though, it can be a mistake to let them assume they are still in charge.

“I try to get him to bed at 8:00 but he just won’t go.”

Have to admit I don’t understand this. What’s with the “try”? Just substitute the word “put” here, and it works out pretty well. The getting them to stay in bed, once uncontained by crib bars, can be the real challenge.

By the time they get to the ‘tween stage, they try to push the boundaries of bedtime, but most of them haven’t mastered the art of sleeping-in the next morning, so a later sleep start usually just speeds up the development of the surly side of their personality which will fully bloom in the teen years.

When your teenage children start to stay up later than you do, it makes you feel old. Not the physical old as you feel when you’ve been up six times in the night with a newborn, but old in a “how old am I?” mental way. Comparing the levels of weariness, both of spirit and body, is tough.

Teenagers, on the whole, like to sleep in. Let them. As tempting as it is to get some sleep deprivation revenge fully due to you, take the time to Drink The F**k Some Coffee.

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Read Funny Mummy every month. Visit Kathy Buckworth at http://www.kathybuckworth.com/ and follow her on Twitter at www.twitter.com/kathybuckworth Kathy’s latest book, “Shut Up and Eat: Tales of Chicken, Children and Chardonnay” can be found at bookstores and online, everywhere.

Funny Mummy | I Have My Eye On You

The Japanese have introduced a technological “advance” with the invention of the Lunchbox Communicator, a modified “Bento Box” which includes a video camera and screen, embedded in the box’s lid. The idea here is that the child can watch Mom preparing his/her lunch, just before digging in, and Mom can in return watch Junior eating it. As riveting as video footage of lunch making can be – quite surprised there isn’t a reality show called “Extreme Lunch Boxes” – and as appealing as it is to watch a child eat lunch, it begs the question: Why? Why? Why?

Making the decision as to what you will eat out of your school lunch is a major part of learning and growing as a child. Do you go for the apple Mom packed, or try to trade it for your best friend’s cupcake? Is that homemade chocolate chip cookie really worth two fruit roll ups? It’s sort of like a food version of “Let’s Make a Deal”, and the bartering and bargaining learned here can build a foundation for negotiating skills most kids will require later on in life (particularly if they become parents themselves). And with most schools now having supervisors watching for kids throwing out healthy food, trying to sneak it into a garbage can is a risky option compared to the good old trade.

But with every move being monitored by the video camera’s watchful eye, these poor children will likely be forced to eat what their Mama gave ‘em…and where’s the fun in that?

On the other side of the lens, I’m not sure why there’s thinking that kids would want to watch their parents prepare their lunches. Kids don’t want to watch their mothers do anything; particularly something as pedestrian as providing them with a basic life necessity. Do the manufacturers really think that the kids will appreciate the effort that Mom (or Dad) has put into the preparation of this meal? If anything, they’re more likely to be turned off when they realize that there are “raw” ingredients that go into making a sandwich, salad, or cooked entrée. “There’s cheese in my macaroni? I never knew that. You know I hate cheese Mom.” No, I think this new innovation has disaster written all over it. I don’t know about you, but watching my children eat breakfast and dinner at home is enough “food bonding” time for me. Also, I’m not entirely convinced my children wouldn’t capture an inappropriate body part on the camera, just for my viewing pleasure.

I mean, what’s next? Do we want to have two way video cameras on our children for other moments during their school day? Not sure I need to see how uncoordinated they are at gym, or that the pencil they use for homework is also an effective scratching implement for places that scratching shouldn’t be done in public. Let’s leave some things in the realm of the unknown, and unwatched, shall we?

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Kathy Buckworth is an award winning humour writer, and feature writer for Sympatico.ca in their parenting, travel, and auto sites Visit www.kathybuckworth.com and follow Kathy on Twitter @KathyBuckworth